bon vivant - trying to be serious - trapped, it seems, in occupations that he has some competency in, some interest even in, but no true love for doing - is that the way that most things go - or just the way it goes for him? or for people who are like him? - and how is he like, in any case? - is he a type? - is he someone's type? - some company's type? - some industry's type? - some destiny's type? - what if he had a type for all of that, but that representative type did not think he was their type? - would that be tragedy defined? - is he some kind of tragedy? - or is that presuming too much romantic currency even on his part? - you do what you must do in order to survive and stay alive, if you care or need to do that - if you care to be here for a long time, even if it's not so much a good time - if something is in store for you, but it's nothing that you necessarily have wanted for yourself, is that tragedy? - are you a hero or a tragic figure if you surrender to that destiny calling you towards it, which you are not seduced by? - or are you just a fool? - that too, may be hoping for too much - perhaps you are merely just a person, an ordinary person - why does that feel so tragic to someone who felt they were a misfit all their life? - could it be the only payoff of never really fitting in - could the only consolation be the conviction that you are somehow thus exceptional because you stand apart, are torn apart, actually, from the general community? - the fair exchange got from the pain of being relegated to the margins of society? - maybe - but what does it all mean? - that's for you to sort out for yourself, of course - but he wonders, still he wonders quite out loud, in case someone who is listening - even if it's just the universe that's listening - can reply to him in some way that puts it into focus and helps him to keep going and believing it's worthwhile - he wonders what his purpose is, what his passion is, and why it is that when he is excited, when he's enthusiastic, that he is beaten down, admonished, ignored or ostracized by people there around him, and when he's cool, and he is remote, and passionless and full of servitude, he's rewarded with attention and other opportunities for which he has no or little joy for in their reception - perhaps he has been cursed - or once again, that may be too hopeful, too presumptuous and romantic - the paranoid delusions of an ego beaten down into submission - these may only be the typical confessions of an ordinary man feeling an all too common pang in the face of an all too common failure -
or he may be full of total shit ...